‘I finally tried a vibrator and all I have to say is… HOLY GUACAMOLE!’


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OK, first I’ll start off saying, my husband is good in bed. There’s no issue. But this isn’t about him, this about me … and my pink little friend.

My eldest sister and I were casually having a conversation about orgasms and vibrators and I told her, “I’ve never really owned a vibrator. I don’t even know how to make myself orgasm properly”.

Her mouth dropped open and she looked like she was going to cry.

“Oh! You have been missing out on life! I’m going to buy you one,” she said (‘cause that’s what sisters do guys, we buy each other vibrators. It’s not weird at all).

Sure enough, she delivered on her promise and presented me with my new vibrator.

Laura’s been there and she even bought the T-shirt! Image: supplied.

“I felt disappointed by its size”

Honestly, I was expecting some veiny monster-looking penis with all these gadgets protruding out that would scare off the most aggressive of intruders and could signal ET in space, but it wasn’t. It was small … a thin-ish, small pink bullet looking thing.

I smiled bleakly and said, “oh thanks” as I admittedly felt a little disappointed by its size. She could tell, because she simply smiled and said, “Trust me, your life will change.”

So I charged the little baby up, and like any normal person, I googled, “how to use a vibrator.”

Ahh the internet, it’s pure gold. After I filtered through the numerous penis extensions and anal plug websites, I was finally presented (on page six) with the many techniques I could use.

It all sounded very overwhelming, but I thought, go hard or go home right? And I was already home alone, so…

So I laid on my bed and thought, do I start off with some words? A ritual? Should me and this vibrator, who I decided to nickname Thunder Snatch, go out to dinner first? Have a couple of wines?

My little inner g-spot said “shut up Laura, and get to work,” so I turned it on and there’s a plethora of different settings. I decided to go to the third setting which was a constant, somewhat aggressive vibrate that seemed the least threatening.

Not in there, Laura! Image: supplied.

HOLY GUACAMOLE!

Instantly I turned into a high octave opera singer and Heaven was my melody. I was screaming like Mariah Carey. Tiny fireworks were going off in my vagina, and I started to speak in tongues. With every movement, no matter where it was placed, was an explosion of happiness. I was in shock, and I’m pretty sure my face represented it.

Suddenly I understood why electric toothbrushes were big in high school.

Then after what felt like two minutes, BOOM. It happened.

An orgasm.

An effortless, guilt-free orgasm.

It was like riding on a golden unicorn to Fantasia. It felt like a glass of water after you have been sitting in 40-degree weather all day, or a warm shower after a cold winter’s night, or the way fat free chocolate would taste if it were real. It was magical and I did it all on my own.

You need to know why this is a massive deal to me. From a young age I was sexually abused. It lasted for years and it was traumatising. I found self pleasuring to be and to be perceived as a shameful experience. The thought of touching myself made me feel guilty and dirty.

I honestly thought the mental scarring of the trauma I went through would mean I’d never be one of those girls who could self please successfully. But I did it, and I didn’t even feel bad. In fact, I felt empowered. It was empowering.

So the verdict?

WOW. Wow out of 10. The best money I’ve never spent. Well, the best gift I’ve ever received, on par with my three children. Thank you sister, you are for sure in my will.

I think if everyone had one of these babies, there would be a significant drop in depression, because riding into the sunset on a hyper-colour Pegasus is something every woman deserves… and I learnt bigger isn’t always better.

I do love my Thunder Snatch and can see our relationship outlasting the test of time … until it dies, which means I should probably stock up just in case.

Does anyone know if it is legal to marry one? Asking for a friend.


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