Giving kids time alone
In recent years
I’ve realised how easy it is to get caught up in after-school
activities, weekend sport commitments, play dates and the various other
obligations that come with having young children. All of this can result
in overstimulated, exhausted children.
It can also result in
children expecting to be entertained and occupied all the time. When
our eldest son first started kinder, I saw this as the perfect
opportunity to spend individual time with our toddler. For the first few
weeks, I devoted most of our time alone to playing with him. I soon
realised this wasn’t practical or in his best interests and decided to
lessen the time I spent with him.
At first he really
struggled to occupy himself even when I’d set up activities for him.
He’d become whiney and wanted to be picked up frequently. It took me a
couple of weeks to establish a better play routine. I found he was
fresher immediately after kinder drop-off, so I’d encourage him to play
by himself at that time. While I took care of the household chores, I’d
talk to him and let him help me if he wanted to. Gradually he was able
to play on his own for longer periods of time, and I discovered I could
sit and play with him for 15 minutes, set up a new activity and he’d
play again on his own for a while.
The bonuses of boredom
Older
kids can also become dependent on being entertained all the time. I
believe children need time to rest, potter and investigate things in
their own environment without time pressures. I also think it’s great
for them to be ‘bored’ occasionally. Often, this is the only time when
our kids seek out new interests, design games of their own and maybe
even participate in the household chores without being asked to!
Allowing children to have time when they ‘don’t have anything to
do’ can lead to positive results. It’s at these times that I see our
kids become really creative with their play. They may build amazing
constructions out of LEGO or from recycled materials. Sometimes they use
this time to find a good book and read. Most importantly they learn to
operate at a slow pace. I’m all for productivity and efficiency, but it
needs to be coupled with rest and relaxation, and as the parent I like
to make sure I’m taking the lead in slowing things down.
Scheduling play
Along
with the joys of a large family come additional complexities such as
finding time to play despite the increased workload, spending time with
each child individually and finding activities that will interests all
the kids.
Building play into the everyday
One
of the beautiful things about play is that it can be done almost
anytime, anywhere, and with no resources or with an amazing array of
objects. In the busy bustle of our days, without some conscious effort
it can be easy for play to be overlooked. This is not only to the kids’
detriment, but to mine too. It’s surprising how invigorated and happy I
feel when I take even a short time out to play with my kids.
It’s
possible to include play in our daily routines without too much
difficulty, which makes a huge difference to my relationship with the
kids, and my mood. The list below includes some examples of how I’ve
turned repetitive aspects of daily life into playful fun:
• Morning tea.
Take a blanket outside and have a picnic. If it’s a rainy day, make it
an inside picnic. Enlist the children’s help to gather the supplies.
• Cleaning.
Vacuuming the house can be a lot of fun if your children aren’t
frightened of the vacuum cleaner. As the vacuum cleaner is making its
way around the house, it can go out of control and suck up little
children! My children often try to dodge the head as I push it around
the carpet. It may take me a bit longer to get the vacuuming done, but
it’s fun.
• Laundry. While sorting the laundry (mine does pile up at times), you can hide a child underneath a pile and pretend you can’t find them. While hanging towels and sheets on the line, you can also play peek-a-boo.
• Lunch. Play ‘Restaurants’. Create a menu. Select a chef and waiting staff; then set the table and enjoy lunch at your home restaurant.
• Tidy up.
Allow toys to take on personalities and help them find their homes. For
example, ‘Thomas the Tank Engine is sad. He needs to find Annie and
Clarabel — let’s find his friends so he can go to sleep’. Or ‘Teddy is
confused. He thinks his place is in the bathroom, but does he belong
there?’
• Bath.
The bath can be a great place for play: pouring water, blowing bubbles
and splashing, for example. We have a range of pouring toys such as jugs
and tea sets in the bath and the kids often make me cups of tea.
Making
the effort to take a playful approach to household chores lightens both
the kids’ and my mood. When the kids are in a better mood, there’s more
cooperation and less fighting.
Individual time with each child
Making sure I spend enough time alone with each child with the sole focus of playing is my biggest challenge. As a mum of five kids
I do expect my kids to entertain themselves, but I also believe they
need regular time where my attention is fully focused on them
individually. The more children I have had, the trickier this has
become, but there are some ways to make it a bit easier.
I don’t implement all of
the strategies every day; however, during most weeks I’m able to
achieve individual time with each of the kids. There are those weeks
when the toddler is sick, or I have a number of commitments and don’t
spend as much time as I’d like one-on-one with them. It’s not possible
to ‘catch up’ on this time, and I’ve learned not to stress over this. I
just take the next week as a clean slate and try again to spend
individual time with each child.
Scheduled bed times
Our children’s ages
currently range from two to 12 years, so — as I mentioned earlier — we
have different bed times according to age. As each child goes to bed,
it’s easier to spend time individually with the remaining kids — it can
be something as simple as reading their bedtime story with them or
having a chat.
One-on-one play time
I schedule one-on-one
play time with my kids and I find it’s a wonderful thing to do. The way
it works is that I allocate 20 minutes to each child, during which time
they can choose what they want to do and what they’d like me to do. This
time is completely child-led. The kids can also choose to let the other
kids play with us. Sometimes the activity they choose may naturally
preclude the others from playing as it’s a two-person game, such as
chess. However, if it’s an open activity such as dress-ups they may be
happy for their siblings to join in, but they still lead the direction
of play.
I
actually set the timer on my phone and the kids know that once the
timer goes off, that’s the end of the session. This really helps with
the younger ones, who would love me to continue playing all day.
Sometimes they still take it hard when their play time comes to an end,
but it’s important for them to understand that each child deserves a
turn.
School holidays are
the perfect time to schedule play time. Weekends can be too, depending
on what we have on. The kids’ behaviour is often a cue for me that I
need to do more playing. Constant complaining, grumpiness and other
testing behaviours generally indicate that the kids need some time with
their dad or me on their own.
Unplanned opportunities
There are times
when our toddler is asleep and the older kids are playing happily or
doing something together. I take this opportunity to spend time chatting
or playing with our preschooler on his own.
Or,
in the case of our early-rising toddler, some mornings I take advantage
of everyone else being asleep and use that opportunity to play with
him.
Play time for different ages
With the age gap
between our eldest and youngest children being so great, organising fun
time for all our kids takes a bit of organisation. Choosing activities
for school holidays, outings on weekends and what we watch on TV are
just some of the challenges we face when deciding how to entertain all
the age groups at the same time. Some strategies we use for managing
this are:
• letting the older children stay home
• splitting the family up
• having separate activities in the same place
• organising family activities.
Letting the older children stay home
There are times when
I’m happy to leave our older boys (nine and 12 years old) at home on
their own. If we have a short, local gathering (such as a preschool
reading session or a craft lesson) to attend nearby that’s not suitable
for the older children, I’ll let them stay home and only take the
younger ones.
Splitting the family up
There are times when
the family splits up to attend events and activities. For example, my
husband may take the older boys to a night game of football. As it
starts at 7.30 pm and is in winter, it doesn’t suit the younger kids.
I’ll stay home with the younger ones and we do something together, such
as hire a DVD and eat popcorn.
Separate activities — same place
This is a more
recent strategy for me, and it’s heavily dependent on where we are. This
works when we’re at events with activities that are suitable for a
range of age groups. Instead of dragging everyone to each activity and
having either the younger or older kids wait the activity out, I let the
older kids go off by themselves. I take the younger kids to their
activity and then we meet up at an arranged time and place.
For example, I once took all five kids to the Moomba festival on my own. The activities that suited the younger kids were not
at all appealing to the older boys. To ensure everyone had fun, I
stayed with the three youngest while they had turns on the clowns. The
two eldest boys went to line up for a roller-coaster ride. Once we’d
finished at the clowns we waited by the roller coaster for it to finish.
Parents
have differing comfort levels when it comes to allowing their kids to
do things on their own. It’s always important to take into account the
personalities of the kids and the environment they will be in.
Family activities
There are also outings to places of interest to all ages that can be enjoyed together as a family. These include:
• zoos and animal sanctuaries
• art galleries
• parks
• bushwalks
• the beach or pool.
There are also activities you can do at home that can be tailored to suit all skills and abilities, such as:
• LEGO
• construction with a glue gun and/or nails and screws
• hide-and-seek
• bike riding
• footpath chalk drawing
• football and cricket.
Expecting understanding
There
are also times when you have to attend events that don’t suit everyone.
I talk regularly to all the kids about the need for understanding in
our family and that we have to balance competing needs. It’s important
to remind the older boys that their younger siblings have been tagging
along to their activities since they were born. I also remind them that
when they were younger they didn’t have to do this, and that the younger
children deserve the same opportunities. When we do attend an event for
the younger kids, I allow the older kids to bring a book to read, if
appropriate, so that they’re occupied. I also remind them that it’s
important for them to allow the little ones to enjoy themselves without
having to put up with their complaining.
Organising the kids’ toys
For
kids, a big part of play is their toys, and it’s amazing how quickly
toys accumulate! Finding enough suitable places for storing different
kinds of toys where they’re out of everyone’s way and easy for the kids
to access can be quite an ask in families with several kids.