If you eavesdrop on the human brain while it is
busy wrestling with ethical choices, you see a bewildering number of
regions becoming as active as an Iron Chef episode. The lateral
orbitofrontal cortex; the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, right
lateralized; the ventral striatum; the ventromedial hypothalamus; the
amygdala—all get involved. Emotions and logic, are freely and messily mixed up in the brain.
busy wrestling with ethical choices, you see a bewildering number of
regions becoming as active as an Iron Chef episode. The lateral
orbitofrontal cortex; the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, right
lateralized; the ventral striatum; the ventromedial hypothalamus; the
amygdala—all get involved. Emotions and logic, are freely and messily mixed up in the brain.
How do we get Kant (logic) and Hume (emotion) out
of all these structures? We are only in the beginning stages of
understanding how they function in moral decisions. We know there is a
regional division of labor: The surface regions are preoccupied with
assessing facts. The deeper regions are preoccupied with processing
emotions. They are connected by the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. This
is oversimplified, but think of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex as
the Golden Gate Bridge, connecting San Francisco (emotions) to its
northern neighbor, Marin County (just the facts, Ma’am). Here’s how some
scientists think the traffic generally flows:
of all these structures? We are only in the beginning stages of
understanding how they function in moral decisions. We know there is a
regional division of labor: The surface regions are preoccupied with
assessing facts. The deeper regions are preoccupied with processing
emotions. They are connected by the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. This
is oversimplified, but think of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex as
the Golden Gate Bridge, connecting San Francisco (emotions) to its
northern neighbor, Marin County (just the facts, Ma’am). Here’s how some
scientists think the traffic generally flows:
1.
An emotional reaction occurs. When a child’s brain is confronted with a
moral dilemma, San Francisco is alerted first. The child’s deep, mostly
unconscious circuitry generates an emotional reaction—a Post-it note.
An emotional reaction occurs. When a child’s brain is confronted with a
moral dilemma, San Francisco is alerted first. The child’s deep, mostly
unconscious circuitry generates an emotional reaction—a Post-it note.
2. The signal is carried across the bridge. That
message is spirited across the VMPFC, the cellular Golden Gate
connecting lower and higher centers of the brain.
message is spirited across the VMPFC, the cellular Golden Gate
connecting lower and higher centers of the brain.
3. Fact centers analyze it and decide what to
do. The signal arrives at the neuroanatomical equivalent of Marin
County. The child’s brain reads the note and makes up its mind about
what to do. It judges right from wrong, critical from trivial, necessary
from elective, and ultimately lands upon on some behavioral course of
action. The decision is executed.
do. The signal arrives at the neuroanatomical equivalent of Marin
County. The child’s brain reads the note and makes up its mind about
what to do. It judges right from wrong, critical from trivial, necessary
from elective, and ultimately lands upon on some behavioral course of
action. The decision is executed.
This all occurs in the space of a few
milliseconds, a speed requiring that the emotion-generating areas of the
brain work in such close concert with the rational areas that it is
impossible to tell where one starts and the other leaves off. The
integration is so tight, we can actually say that without the
irrational, you can’t achieve the rational.
milliseconds, a speed requiring that the emotion-generating areas of the
brain work in such close concert with the rational areas that it is
impossible to tell where one starts and the other leaves off. The
integration is so tight, we can actually say that without the
irrational, you can’t achieve the rational.
This biology tells us that emotional regulation is
an important component of raising a moral child. So is executive
function. The healthy integration of both processes will go a long way
toward keeping a child in touch with her inner Mother Teresa.
an important component of raising a moral child. So is executive
function. The healthy integration of both processes will go a long way
toward keeping a child in touch with her inner Mother Teresa.
2. Raising a moral child: Rules and discipline
So, the question now becomes: If kids are born
with an innate number of moral construction materials, how do we help
our children build moral houses worth inhabiting? How do we get them to
that coveted stage of moral internalization?
with an innate number of moral construction materials, how do we help
our children build moral houses worth inhabiting? How do we get them to
that coveted stage of moral internalization?
Families who raise moral kids follow very
predictable patterns when it comes to rules and discipline. The patterns
are not a behavioral insurance policy, but they are as close as
research gets us right now. Many interlocking components make up these
patterns; an illustration from my wife’s kitchen may simplify things. We
used to keep a three-legged stool near the refrigerator to help our
boys reach the shelves. Think of the flat seat of that stool as
representing the development of a moral awareness, or conscience. Each
leg represents what researchers know about how to support it. You need
all three legs for the stool to fulfill its job description. This
well-balanced triad statistically provides children with the sturdiest
seat—the most finely attuned moral reflexes. The three legs are:
predictable patterns when it comes to rules and discipline. The patterns
are not a behavioral insurance policy, but they are as close as
research gets us right now. Many interlocking components make up these
patterns; an illustration from my wife’s kitchen may simplify things. We
used to keep a three-legged stool near the refrigerator to help our
boys reach the shelves. Think of the flat seat of that stool as
representing the development of a moral awareness, or conscience. Each
leg represents what researchers know about how to support it. You need
all three legs for the stool to fulfill its job description. This
well-balanced triad statistically provides children with the sturdiest
seat—the most finely attuned moral reflexes. The three legs are:
• Clear, consistent rules and rewards
• Swift punishment
• Explaining the rules
I’ll borrow scenes from a TV show to illustrate each.
2.1. Clear, consistent rules and rewards
A little boy at the dinner table punches his brother, demanding, “I want your ice, now!”
Mom and Dad look horrified. A plump, elegant stranger with a British
accent also sits at the table. She doesn’t seem horrified at all. She
is, however, taking notes, something like a product tester. “What are
you going to do? she asks the parents calmly. The boy punches his
brother again. “I will take away your dessert if you do that again”, Mom
says sternly to the child. He does it again. Mom looks down at her
plate. Dad looks away, angry. The parents, it seems, have no idea how to
answer the British woman’s question.
Mom and Dad look horrified. A plump, elegant stranger with a British
accent also sits at the table. She doesn’t seem horrified at all. She
is, however, taking notes, something like a product tester. “What are
you going to do? she asks the parents calmly. The boy punches his
brother again. “I will take away your dessert if you do that again”, Mom
says sternly to the child. He does it again. Mom looks down at her
plate. Dad looks away, angry. The parents, it seems, have no idea how to
answer the British woman’s question.
Welcome to the invasive world of the TV nanny.
You’ve probably seen these reality shows, all of which follow a familiar
formula: Families clearly out of control allow a camera crew access to
their lives, all in the company of a professional nanny. Invariably
blessed with an authoritative accent from the British Isles, she
proceeds to act like a Nottingham sheriff come to clean house. The nanny
has a week to perform her domestic miracle, transforming the harried
parents into loving disciplinarians and their little hellions into
angels. Among the scenes:
You’ve probably seen these reality shows, all of which follow a familiar
formula: Families clearly out of control allow a camera crew access to
their lives, all in the company of a professional nanny. Invariably
blessed with an authoritative accent from the British Isles, she
proceeds to act like a Nottingham sheriff come to clean house. The nanny
has a week to perform her domestic miracle, transforming the harried
parents into loving disciplinarians and their little hellions into
angels. Among the scenes:
Toddler Aiden refuses to go to bed, wailing at the
top of his lungs. He knows that when his parents say, “Lights out—I
mean it”, they don’t really mean it at all. If there is a curfew, it is
unannounced or unenforced, and its absence makes Nanny’s brow wrinkle.
It takes Aiden hours to go to bed.
top of his lungs. He knows that when his parents say, “Lights out—I
mean it”, they don’t really mean it at all. If there is a curfew, it is
unannounced or unenforced, and its absence makes Nanny’s brow wrinkle.
It takes Aiden hours to go to bed.
A little boy named Mike accidently trips on the
stairs, dropping a bunch of books he was carrying. The little guy
cringes and tries to hide, expecting a yelling from his moody father. He
gets one, gale force. Nanny intervenes: She goes over to the boy, helps
him pick up the books, and says with a sad kindness, “You look really
afraid, Mike. Did your dad frighten you?” Little Mike nods, then bolts
up the stairs. Later that night, like a British bulldog, Nanny gives the
dad a biting lecture about the child’s need to feel safe.
stairs, dropping a bunch of books he was carrying. The little guy
cringes and tries to hide, expecting a yelling from his moody father. He
gets one, gale force. Nanny intervenes: She goes over to the boy, helps
him pick up the books, and says with a sad kindness, “You look really
afraid, Mike. Did your dad frighten you?” Little Mike nods, then bolts
up the stairs. Later that night, like a British bulldog, Nanny gives the
dad a biting lecture about the child’s need to feel safe.
Amanda makes an effort to go to bed on time all by
herself, which she had resisted before. This effort goes unnoticed,
however, because the parents are busy chasing her younger twin brothers,
trying to get them to brush their teeth. Once finished, the parents
flop down in front of the television. Nanny tucks neglected Amanda into
bed and says, “Good job. You did that all by yourself, and no fuss!
Wow!”
herself, which she had resisted before. This effort goes unnoticed,
however, because the parents are busy chasing her younger twin brothers,
trying to get them to brush their teeth. Once finished, the parents
flop down in front of the television. Nanny tucks neglected Amanda into
bed and says, “Good job. You did that all by yourself, and no fuss!
Wow!”
The TV nannies solutions are sometimes irritating,
sometimes spot on. But in these cases they follow the behavioral
science of our first leg of discipline: consistent rules that are
rewarded on a regular basis. Watch what they do, paying attention to
four characteristics.
sometimes spot on. But in these cases they follow the behavioral
science of our first leg of discipline: consistent rules that are
rewarded on a regular basis. Watch what they do, paying attention to
four characteristics.
Your rules are reasonable and clear
In the example of Aiden above, the toddler either
does not have a set bedtime or ignores the one that’s supposed to be in
place. His only guidance is his parent’s behavior, which is waffling and
ambiguous. Aiden has no direction and, at the end of a busy, tiring
day, very little social reserve. No wonder he shrieks.
does not have a set bedtime or ignores the one that’s supposed to be in
place. His only guidance is his parent’s behavior, which is waffling and
ambiguous. Aiden has no direction and, at the end of a busy, tiring
day, very little social reserve. No wonder he shrieks.
Nanny’s solution? Next day, she brings in a
physical chart with rules and expectations written right on it—including
a reasonably formulated time for bed—then mounts it where the entire
family can see. The chart produces an objective authority where the rule
is a) realistic, b) clearly stated, and c) visible to all.
physical chart with rules and expectations written right on it—including
a reasonably formulated time for bed—then mounts it where the entire
family can see. The chart produces an objective authority where the rule
is a) realistic, b) clearly stated, and c) visible to all.
You are warm and accepting when administering rules
Mike, the boy who wants to hide because of dropped
books, clearly has been yelled at before. Cringing with fear is an
obvious sign that the kid does not feel safe at that moment and may not
feel safe generally. (Getting yelled at for something as innocent as
accidently dropping books is consistent with the latter.) This is a
warning bell for Nanny. She tries to communicate safety to the little
guy—note her immediate empathy—and she later upbraids Mike’s dad,
telling him he needs to choose a calmer, more measured response if he
wants Mike’s behavior to change. Remarkably, the dad listens.
books, clearly has been yelled at before. Cringing with fear is an
obvious sign that the kid does not feel safe at that moment and may not
feel safe generally. (Getting yelled at for something as innocent as
accidently dropping books is consistent with the latter.) This is a
warning bell for Nanny. She tries to communicate safety to the little
guy—note her immediate empathy—and she later upbraids Mike’s dad,
telling him he needs to choose a calmer, more measured response if he
wants Mike’s behavior to change. Remarkably, the dad listens.
You know by now that the brain’s chief interest is
safety. When rules are not administered in safety, the brain jettisons
any behavioral notion except one: escaping the threat. When rules are
administered by warm, accepting parents, moral seeds are much more
likely to take root.
safety. When rules are not administered in safety, the brain jettisons
any behavioral notion except one: escaping the threat. When rules are
administered by warm, accepting parents, moral seeds are much more
likely to take root.
So, you have crystal-clear rules, and you
administer them in a certain manner. The next two steps involve what you
do when the rules are followed.
administer them in a certain manner. The next two steps involve what you
do when the rules are followed.
Every time your child follows the rules, you offer praise
Suppose you want your increasingly sedentary
3-year-old, who happily still craves your attention, to get some
exercise outside and play on the swings more often. Problem is, he
rarely even goes outside. What are you going to do?
3-year-old, who happily still craves your attention, to get some
exercise outside and play on the swings more often. Problem is, he
rarely even goes outside. What are you going to do?
Scientists (and good parents) discovered long ago
that you can increase the frequency of a desired behavior if you
reinforce the behavior. Children respond to punishment, certainly, but
they also respond to praise—and in a way that risks less damage and
usually produces better results. Behaviorists call this positive
reinforcement. You can even use it to encourage behavior that hasn’t
happened yet.
that you can increase the frequency of a desired behavior if you
reinforce the behavior. Children respond to punishment, certainly, but
they also respond to praise—and in a way that risks less damage and
usually produces better results. Behaviorists call this positive
reinforcement. You can even use it to encourage behavior that hasn’t
happened yet.
Instead of waiting for your 3-year-old to get on
the swings, you can reinforce his behavior every time he gets near the
door. After a while, he will spend more time at the door. Then you
reinforce his behavior only when he opens the door. Then only when he
goes outside. Then when he spends time near the swing set. Eventually,
he’ll get on the swings and you two can play together.
the swings, you can reinforce his behavior every time he gets near the
door. After a while, he will spend more time at the door. Then you
reinforce his behavior only when he opens the door. Then only when he
goes outside. Then when he spends time near the swing set. Eventually,
he’ll get on the swings and you two can play together.
This process, called shaping, can take much
patience, but it usually doesn’t take much time. Famed behaviorist B.F.
Skinner got a chicken to turn the pages of a book as if it were reading
in less than 20 minutes using a shaping protocol. Humans are much easier
to shape than chickens.
patience, but it usually doesn’t take much time. Famed behaviorist B.F.
Skinner got a chicken to turn the pages of a book as if it were reading
in less than 20 minutes using a shaping protocol. Humans are much easier
to shape than chickens.
You also praise the absence of bad behavior
Remember Amanda, the little girl who put herself
to bed while her parents watched TV? The parents did not praise her
obvious lack of fussy behavior, but the nanny did. Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of a good one.
to bed while her parents watched TV? The parents did not praise her
obvious lack of fussy behavior, but the nanny did. Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of a good one.
Researchers have measured the effects of these
four parenting strategies on moral behavior. When warm, accepting
parents set clear and reasonable standards for their kids, then offer
them praise for behaving well, children present strong evidence of an
internalized moral construct, usually by age 4 or 5. These are hallmark
behaviors of Baumrind’s gold-medal authoritative parenting style.
They’re not everything you need in your moral tool kit, but from a
statistical point of view, you won’t get a good kid without them.
four parenting strategies on moral behavior. When warm, accepting
parents set clear and reasonable standards for their kids, then offer
them praise for behaving well, children present strong evidence of an
internalized moral construct, usually by age 4 or 5. These are hallmark
behaviors of Baumrind’s gold-medal authoritative parenting style.
They’re not everything you need in your moral tool kit, but from a
statistical point of view, you won’t get a good kid without them.
Seeing yourself
Do you do these things, or do you think you do?
One of the obstacles to getting parents to change their behavior is
making them understand how they are actually coming across to their
kids. Nanny helps parents see what she sees by videotaping the families,
looking for each person’s cues, and pointing them out. Researchers use
the technique, too. Marian Bakermans-Kranenburg at Leiden University,
for one, carried a video camera into the homes of 120 families with kids
ages 1 to 3. Bakermans-Kranenburg was examining some of the hardest
kids on earth to treat: pathologically resistant children who