You’ve stumbled across this page because you said “I want to die”. Because you said “I want to kill myself”. Because you’ve been looking up ways to kill yourself. Because you’ve desperately been wondering how to die.
Right now, you feel like you’re at your wit’s end. You feel like there’s nowhere and no one left to turn to. You feel lost. Alone. Directionless. And above all, you’re just so, so tired.
You can feel the exhaustion in your bones. You’re done with life, and you say to yourself, “I want to fucking die.”
But if you’re reading this right now, that means that there is a part of you, deep down in your heart, that is desperately grasping for a reason to stay. And if you’re still reading now, then know that I am so deeply proud of you for hearing me out and giving me the chance to speak to you, even through these virtual means.
Let me start by making this abundantly clear: your feelings are valid. What you are experiencing is real. It is not in your head. You are not being dramatic. You are not seeking attention or being ridiculous. You are not selfish for wanting to commit suicide. Everything you feel is valid and significant, and I respect that and want you to know that.
People may have told you that others have it worse than you. I will not say such ill-informed, ignorant things. Pain is not a competition. Suffering is not a competition.
Another person’s hardships do not nullify your own. Again, I would like to remind you that your pain is valid.
You are still reading this, and you are still here, and I am so proud of you. It takes so much strength to come forward and seek help. It takes so much strength to read a letter when the most predominant thoughts in your mind are “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I’m done with life”.
It takes so much strength to stop in your search of how to end your life and try to hang on even though you’re hurting inside.
I will not tell you that it will make me sad if you are gone – not because it won’t make me sad, as it definitely will hurt me deeply, but because this isn’t about me. It’s about you.
You are unbelievably important in ways you might not know or understand just yet. And you’re not just important to friends, family, or those who care about you; again, this isn’t their story. It’s yours.
Right now, you probably feel small. You might feel insignificant. You might feel like nothing you do could ever matter. But you matter. You matter so much.You matter more than you could ever possibly fathom.
When we read or watch stories or films about travelling back in time, we acknowledge how just one small change in the past can so heavily impact the future that it turns the world into a place that is unrecognizable when the time travelling character comes back to their own time.
They find that one small, seemingly pointless act has completely altered the world they knew.
We know this, and we ourselves would never want to mess with time – but so rarely do we acknowledge that this means that even the smallest actions you do are changing the world and shaping it into the world it will be in the future.
This is how much you matter. One tiny little ripple that you set off shakes the entire ocean. Your actions are changing the world. You are the changing the world.
You are strong. There is so much strength in you – enough to move mountains, enough to jump over the highest hurdles, and enough to cross all the oceans in the world. You may not believe me, but that strength resides within you and it has brought you this far.
You’ve been through so much. You’ve overcome countless obstacles on your journey to this very point. Every single hardship you’ve waded through has been beaten, and you have triumphed over it.
That’s how you’ve arrived here to speak to me today. There is nothing – absolutely nothing – that life has thrown at you that you haven’t survived and kicked down to live another day. And that does not have to change now.
You’ve heard that it gets better, and while I’d love to tell you that, I don’t have the ability to see the future. I can’t tell you for sure that it will get better, but I will tell you that it can, and that if you don’t hold on, you’ll never find out.
I’m not going to lie to you and say that all your worries will vanish one day and that you’ll be happy for the rest of your life and never feel low or depressed again. That is not true, and it’s not true for anyone, because that’s the nature of life: it goes up and down, like one long carnival ride, often taking twists and turns that are unpredictable and unexpected.
But that’s the beauty of it all.
Here’s the truth: there is a very, very good chance that you will get better. But after you get better, you might be sad sometimes, or stressed out, or angry. You will have your ups and downs, your bad times and good times, and your light moments and dark moments.
But you’ll never have any of the wonderful moments ahead – those that will make every single last moment in your life worth it – if you don’t hold on.
There is so much waiting in front of you – such a wide, stretching expanse of possibilities and new horizons that are lying in wait for you to see. And while we can’t know for certain what bides its time around the corner, what is certain is that you’ll never get to see it if you don’t stick around.
You’ll miss out on your entire future, but you deserve to see that future, and I want you to see that future so badly.
You may feel alone right now, but the truth is, you are never truly alone. There are people all around the world who are fighting their own battles – all just as valid and real as yours, different, perhaps, but similar in their own ways.
I won’t say that I’ve been where you are before, because no one can possibly ever be in your unique situation, or know for certain the pain, sadness, and hopelessness you may feel.
But while I could never truly put myself in your shoes, I’ve had experiences that led me to decide on suicide, too.
I’ve sat in front of my laptop, sliding down my chair as I looked up the best ways to kill myself, trying to find the easiest way to die and the fastest way to die, pondering each potential option and collapsing in defeat by the end of my search.
I won’t go into detail about my story, because this is about your story, not mine. But I will tell you that I emerged and that I made it out on the other side of this tangled, garbled labyrinth and that I want so very badly for you to make it, too.
I want so badly for you to consider the possibility of making it out and finding the light you’ve so desperately sought. I want you to see that it can be worth living for.
I know that right now, the last thing you need to hear is that you need to take steps to get out from the darkness you’re shrouded beneath. I will not tell you that you have to do these things.
Instead, I leave, beneath this letter to you, a small guide that may help you break the surface of the water that you feel like you’re drowning in. You don’t have to read it now, and you’re under no obligation but know that if you need this information, it will always be here.
You’ve already taken your first steps away from the edge of the precipice thanks to this incredible, insurmountable strength – and all I’m asking is that you join me in taking the next steps.
What To Do When You’re Feeling Suicidal
1. Promise To Wait
There is no deadline for putting actions to your thoughts. Start small and wait for one minute, then wait for five, then ten, then thirty, then an hour, and so on.
Let this grow and tell yourself that you will wait for three days, for a week, or even for a month. Realize that each moment you spend alive is another result of your strength proving itself.
2. Find Something To Look Forward To
Is there a movie coming out you really want to see? An event you want to attend? Maybe you just want to buy some new clothes or a new book? Hold on to that.
Remember, there is no deadline for your actions. You do not have to act on your action or follow through on your thoughts right now. Put them on hold and look forward to something in the future.
3. Reach Out To Someone
Call one of the hotlines mentioned at the end of the post, or reach out to a someone you can trust. You can arrange to meet someone in person just to get yourself out of the house or within a safe company.
If you do not feel like doing so right now, then know that there are supportive communities filled with people fighting similar battles who will be happy to offer support and understanding.
4. Do Something
Occupy your mind. Blast some music, turn on the TV, write, draw, read – do anything at all that will keep you distracted. You can also use this time to focus on self-care.
If you haven’t eaten in a while, grab a snack or a meal. Drink some water. Take a nap. Take a nice, warm bath. Your body and brain will thank you.
5. Create Positive Hormones
Sing your heart out, or, if you have the energy for it, you can also engage in a physical activity such as dancing or doing some simple exercises. These actions can release dopamine and other positive hormones that can help you to feel a little better.
6. Make Your Space Safe
If you have items in your home that you could possibly use to harm yourself, such as pills, knives, or a gun, remove them from your vicinity as soon as possible.
If you cannot do so, leave your home and go anywhere at all. Even a 24-hour fast food joint can be a safe alternative to being surrounded with these items.
7. Appeal To Your Senses
It can be difficult to distract yourself when you’re feeling suicidal. Use items that appeal to your five senses to keep yourself grounded.
Light a soothing scented candle that you love, eat a bar of your favorite chocolate, listen to some relaxing music, swaddle yourself in your favorite blanket – or do all of the above!
8. Understand That Professional Help May Be Necessary
What you are dealing with is far from easy, and there is no shame in admitting that you need help. Everyone needs help sometimes – that’s what makes us human.
Consider reaching out to a professional in the mental health field or a counselor who can help you work through these thoughts.
I am so proud of you for making it to the end of this letter. I am so proud of you for still being here. You have done amazingly, and your strength is what has brought you here.
You matter. You are important. You are strong. And above all, you are loved.
Someone Who Cares