Your home is your life. If your house is a mess, that reflects negatively on you as a woman. After centuries of the patriarchy, frankly, I’m surprised you didn’t know that by now.
So get your act together by spring cleaning your home. Here are some very helpful tips for you to take your garbage home and turn it into something that will trap you with its expectations and thankless drudgery until you die and/or escape to the desert and sell meth.
1. Divide everything into three piles: things to keep, things to throw away and things to donate.
Then, pour gasoline over all three piles and light them on fire.
2. Instead of hiring a cleaning company, hire someone to rob your home.
3. Move out in the middle of the night, taking nothing but your whiskey and children.
Start over in a new town.
4. Throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
This includes your teenagers, husband and all pants with zippers.
5. Pile all your belongings on a boat and give it a Viking funeral by lighting it on fire and sending it out to sea.
6. Don’t clean. Let it get so bad that your family signs you up for a reality show where a professional comes in and cleans.
Kick back and enjoy the money.
7. The mess isn’t the problem. It’s the fact that you can see it.
Have your eyes surgically removed and never see again.
8. If you cannot afford the eye-removal surgery, just ingest enough booze that you cannot see.
Stay this way forever.
9. You know that house in the movie “Up”?
Well, I don’t know if it would work, but buying four million helium balloons sounds easier than organizing the playroom right now.
10. Clean nothing. Those piles are your feminist protest.
Tell your family that the mounds of laundry, land mines of Legos and marker scribbles on the walls are an art installation. When they roll their eyes, you sob and scream, “MY ART IS MY LIFE!”