Healing is never easy..It never will


Just a random person who's suffering and healing day by day.

Please stay with me as it is difficult for me to express my feelings into words. 

A brief introduction of myself. I'm a highly sensitive and overthinking 25 year-old male, who's been having depression and anxiety since I was 16. It wasn't as serious before, which I could just brush it off but it looks like everything just seems to be bottling up in the following years. I've never share what's happening in my mind and body as it's not part of Asian's culture to share such thing, and everyone will view me as an attention-seeker or a drama-queen (or king, in this case). 

It was just right after my birthday that my love got rejected (funny eh?). Well, this person I felt for was a really close friend of mine which I have only shared what's happening in my mind. Surprisingly, she did helped me with it and I'm happy. For the first time, I was very happy. As time went-by, I can see that it's slowly bothering her and I'm guessing it's too much for her to handle so I'm slowly letting my mind out instead. Of course, when we hang out it's not all just about the issues I'm having, we did enjoy and have our moments too. After a while, I guess she got tired of it and give a small "laugh it off" when I'm at it again and said "just don't think about it" or "what is it this time?". Can't really blame anyone for this. 

Back to the rejection part. I got rejected. Hard. And everything that's inside me just exploded. My depression and anxiety came back as hard as you could think of like *kicks the door* "We're back!". I started to have insomnia for a months or so, suicidal thoughts became worse to the extent that I would actually get things ready, overthinking pops out of nowhere when I'm doing sports and working. I became very emotional unstable even until now. In addition to that, from time to time, I zoned out in a blurry visions and stare at somewhere blankly (like my soul just came out of my body) and I've just noticed a few days ago, my hands starts to tremble for unknown reason. Everything just carry on until god knows when. 

And I'm still very sad about this. About why am I'm such a sensitive that whenever I try to go out I felt everything; the people, their vibe, their emotions when they talk, the reactions, the environment, etc.

I try not to overthink but how can I when my overthinking became worse when each day passes. I tried not to think but these thoughts just seems to have a thought of their own that you just can't control.

I tried to find help but help just isn't that easy in Asia. The only help I could find was that close friend of mine. 

And right now, I'm just being by myself. Without really anyone. I'm healing. Slowly. Perhaps too slow. Who knows when this healing will end. And yes, everything hits me hardest when I'm alone, like god knows where this trembling hands come from. But hey, when you've got no friends or people to talk to, why not just befriend with the demon within and have a conversation? 

My thoughts and emotions may or may not consume me but whoever is out there, suffering almost the same thoughts within you, I wish you could get help from someone, anyone or send me a message. I would never want anyone to suffer this. No one should. And if anyone of you out there think no one cares for you, you're wrong. I care for you. I will cause if I don't, who will? 

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