I Want To Give Birth Naturally

Emma Lou Harris

“I want to give birth Naturally” 

Those of us who make plans to “Give birth naturally” , let me start by saying, well duh! 

Every single birth is different. 
The birth of my own two children were different. 

One birth I think back on now and I’m immedietly diverted to one of the “Saw” movies. 

I had no epidural , no gas and air, painrelief free episiotomys and infections. I was tramatised beyond belief. 
One I had the epidural, got high on gas and although it was no trip to a day spa it was memorable. I didnt need counciling after it. 
Sometimes things go the way you’ve ‘planned’ them, sometimes they go the total opposite way.

When you go to one of your anti natal appointments during pregnancy, the ones were you arrive with a bottle of piss in your bag to hand over and they tell you just how many pounds more you’ve gained then they’d like you to have by this stage.
Where they check you for diabetes, poke your belly and sometimes if your lucky , you might even get a full fist up your vagina ? Remember those? FUN. TIMES. 
Well in amongst the instuments up your vag and the wee testing, a midwife at some stage, may give you ” a birthing plan” sheet to fill in and they will then attatch it to your file. 

Really? Please, fill in this “plan” when your pre labor and havnt a fuckin breeeeeeze whats coming your way ? 
When you have full confidence that there is noooooo way you want the drugs. Nope, not you . No drugs. You want to do it ” Naturally”. What a trooper. 

Fast forward to 40 weeks , your in labor, lucifer has possesed your entire body, the nurses are considering calling in the local priest to preform an exorcism and every finger on your husbands hand is broken. 

You have every faith that your going to die and a small part of you sees no other option. How can this be happening to your body and you not die? It doesnt make sense. 
You regret the night you got pregnant. You start barking at your hubby for pouring you that 5th glass of pinot back in January, with him knowing full well that excessive wine has certain consequenses for the womb. 
Your not even sure if you like him anymore , now that you realise how irresponsible he is and that he’s to blame for this very experience. Lifes tough right now. You need to catch a break,right? 

Thats when deirdre , your ‘everything is so sweet and wholesome’ ‘ just stepped out of a disney movie’ midwife comes bouncing over with her ponytail swinging from side to side and says in a voice quieter then a gentle mouse, ” Now i’ve had a read of your chart and it says you’d like to do this without pain meds so , seen as your in alot of pain now , im going to pop off and get you two paracetomol to ease it a teeny bit for you pet”

Eh , Newsflash Florence knightengale, in labor here, person trying to climb its way out of me! You can shove your paracetomol. 
I dont have a runny fuckin nose love . I want the proper drugs. The hard stuff..pethadine, epidural, crystal meth , I dont care just give me the drugs! Anything to make it stop. 

This is when you realise there is no stopping. This baby is coming out by any menes nessesary. It really makes no difference if you’ve had drugs, if you’ve had no drugs, you pushed, you’d foreceps, Suction, C section, it doesnt matter if you went out into a forrest alone like a cat and gave birth on a pile of specially resoursed organic birthing leaves with only the sounds of earthbirds to get you through. Every single pregnant women gives birth.
Every women in that hospital arrives with a baby inside her that needs to come out. And she has to do that herself. 
She has to put herself, her feelings, her vounerablity, her fears, and sometimes her ‘ plans’ on hold until that baby arrives in her arms. 
Dont let plans make you feel like a failure. 
You’ve given life. Theres nothing more NATURAL then that.

So unless your child was delivered by Fedex or a DPS van pulled up outside one cold winter evening and took one out of the back, while you patiently waited at home, looking out the window by a roaring fire, in your slippers, then ,

We have ALL had a natural birth. 
Nothing more natural in this world. HEROS! 

Ems x 

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